>>>Today's Funny

REAL COURT HILARITY

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

-------

Attorney: Do you recall the time when you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at that time?

Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.

-------

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.

-------

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

-------

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

-------

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

-------

>>>Today's Thot

I waste time, so you don't have to.

>>>Today's Funny

A mother texting to her son, "John, just found out Aunt Elsie died. LOL"

Son: "Why are you saying LOL?"

Mom: "I am adding Lot's Of Love."

Son: "Mom, that means Laughing Out Loud!"

Mom: "Gotta go, I have some urgent calls to make..."

>>>Today's Thot

Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain't talking.

Quora funnies:

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

     Officer: May I see your driver's license?

     Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

     Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

     Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

     Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

     Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

     Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

     Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

     Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

     Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

     Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

     Biker: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

     Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

     Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

     Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

     Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

     Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

     Biker: No problem.

The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

     Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

     Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

>>>Today's Thot

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

>>>Today's Funny

A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word.

"Oh, my" she said, "Just change that to 'George died.'"

The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum.

"Well," she said, "make that 'George died, Buick for sale.'"

>>>Today's Thot

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn't talking to me.

>>>Today's Funny

Two friends are talking over lunch in an outdoor patio.

"So what are you doing for summer vacation?" one asks.

The other one replies, "I want to go to Italy again, like last year."

The first asks, "Wow! You went to Italy last year?"

The other answers, "No, but I wanted to."

>>>Today's Thot

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

>>>

>>>Today's Funny

DANCING WITH GOD

When I meditated on the word Guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

Then my eyes drew back to the word Guidance.

When I saw "G": I thought of God, followed by "U" and "I."

"God, "u" and "i" dance."

God, You and I dance.

As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life. Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

Let's DANCE!

>>>Today's Thot

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

today'sFUNNY===========================

MISINTERPRETATIONS

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say the Lord's Prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

~ I remember thinking it said "Give us this day our jelly bread."

~ I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."

~ When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag. And to the republic for Richard Stands."

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

~ My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."

~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

~ When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.



Today's Thot===========================

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

today'sFUNNY===========================

I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne.

Life is great.

When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

I don't have gray hair, I have "wisdom highlights."

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

today'sThot============================

Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her phone. "Where are you? the wife said. "You know we have lots to do."

He replied, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.

"Well, I'm in the video game store next to that."

today'sThot============================

It's either serial killer documentaries or Christmas specials. We're either slaying or sleighing.

today'sFUNNY===========================

The man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.

One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

today'sThot============================

A chicken nugget is a meatball. And nothing can change that fact.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A mom and her children watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. One fascinated child asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"

"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.

"Wow," said the kid. "Does it hurt the mother, too?"

today'sThot============================

I started with nothing, and I have most of it left.

today'sFUNNY===========================

After leaving the racetrack, Joe bumped into his old friend Jon on the bus.

"Say," Jon said, "How's it going?"

"Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me, what's today's date?"

"July seventh."

"Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue."

"Let me guess," Jon interrupted. "You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race."

"Right."

"And he won!" Jon sighed.

"No. He came in seventh."

today'sThot============================

Did you hear about the fellow who sat up all night wondering where the sun went at night? It finally dawned on him.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."

today'sThot============================

Exercise? I thought you said, "Extra fries."

today'sFUNNY===========================

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store. After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room one more time. He looked at her and immediately said, "That looks great on you! Get that one."

"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

today'sThot============================

It's been a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

today'sThot============================

A police officer came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered "kindergarten."

today'sFUNNY===========================

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.

Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss - What time will you get here?

Me - Monday.

today'sThot============================

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I might be a typo."

today'sFUNNY===========================

THE VIRUS HAS HIT EVERYBODY REALLY HARD.

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

today'sThot============================

Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who knew??

today'sFUNNY===========================

REMEMBER: SENIOR CITIZENS ARE VALUABLE

We have silver in our hair.

We have gold in our teeth.

We have stones in our kidneys.

We have lead in our feet and...

We are loaded with natural gas.

today'sThot============================

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

today'sFUNNY===========================

While working in the psychology department at a local college, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, "Can I get something blown up down there?"

After a pause, the voice on the line replied, "I think you want the chemistry lab."

today'sThot============================

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

today'sFUNNY===========================

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. "Little Johnny, don't you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?"

"I got it from my dad, Miss," replies Johnny.

"Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don't know what all that even means?"

"Oh but I do," says Johnny. "It means the car won't start."

today'sThot============================

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the movie theater, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."

today'sThot============================

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

today'sFUNNY===========================

Today more and more cities have red light cameras, to take photos of cars running red lights.

In one particular city, a man received a ticket in the mail along with a picture of himself in a car, running the red light. The fine was $700.

So the man, thinking that this just wasn't right, got two $100 bills, took a picture of them, and sent in the picture to the police.

One week later he received a picture of a pair of handcuffs. He promptly sent the money that day.

today'sThot============================

The brain is amazing. It begins from the time we are born, and works 24 hours a day 365 days a year right up to the time you get up to speak in public.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

today'sThot============================

They say you can tell a tree's age by its rings. I didn't even know they liked jewelry.

=======================================

today'sFUNNY===========================

THE BEST/WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG LINES

~ "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"

~ "You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly"

~ "I've Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart"

~ "She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft"

~ "My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him"

~ "If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will"

~ "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart"

~ "They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out"

today'sThot============================

Russian dolls ... They're so full of themselves.

today'sFUNNY===========================

In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them.

Customer: "WWJD? What does that mean?"

Clerk: "WWJD stands for 'What Would Jesus Do' "

Customer: "Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps."

today'sThot============================

I disagree with unanimity.

today'sFUNNY===========================

The interviewer greets the next applicant for the job of night watchman.

His first question is: "What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?"

The applicant replies, "The slightest noise wakes me up."

today'sThot============================

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

today'sFUNNY===========================

HAVE YOU BEEN HERE...?

I've been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family, and boss.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

today'sThot============================

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

today'sFUNNY===========================

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

today'sThot============================

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

today'sFUNNY===========================

I called a friend and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

today'sThot============================

Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough.

today'sFUNNY===========================

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

But, this morning, I accidentally drove by the bakery and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, please create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is good!

today'sThot============================

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

today'sFUNNY===========================

LIFE'S IRRITANTS

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle but says nothing.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

You've cut your finger and no matter how you pull, rip, and scream the Band-Aid won't open.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

After a turn on to a busy street, you drive five blocks before you notice your turn signal is still blinking.

today'sThot============================

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

today'sFUNNY===========================

If the person who named walkie talkies named everything:

Stamp = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillator = Hearty Starty

Bumblebee - Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test - Maybe Baby

Fork = Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

today'sThot============================

What do you mean I can't pay my MasterCard with my Visa?

today'sFUNNY===========================

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep."

"I'm so sorry to hear that," he comforted her.

"But what can I do about it?" the pastor said.

She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

today'sThot============================

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

today'sFUNNY===========================

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

today'sThot============================

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

today'sThot============================

Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

today'sFUNNY===========================

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

today'sThot============================

Love thy neighbor - tune thy piano.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it showed four people on an airplane!

Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"

Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."

Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"

Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot."

today'sThot============================

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

today'sFUNNY===========================

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

today'sThot============================

If a vacuum really sucks, is that good?

today'sFUNNY===========================

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him: "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

today'sThot============================

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

today'sFUNNY===========================

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

today'sThot============================

Ignore apathy1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting. (Ref: Dictionary.com)

today'sFUNNY===========================

They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom...what's this?"

"Oh...that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well what does it do?" they asked.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either." she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

today'sThot============================

If you hear no evil and see no evil, call the TV repairman.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A husband and wife had each died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colors.

Finally, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?"

The wife said, "Yes."

The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"

today'sThot============================

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

today'sFUNNY===========================

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was almost asleep when his wife started reflecting on all the love they had shared. The old gentleman is about asleep when she nudges him and says, "Honey, do you remember how we used to hug?"

The old gentleman says, "Yes, dear," and rolls over and gives her a big hug."

Then he was almost asleep again, when she nudges him and says "Honey do you remember how we used to kiss?"

"Yes, dear," and he rolls over and gives her a big kiss.

He was almost asleep when she again nudges him again and says, "Honey, do you remember how you used to nibble on my ear?"

The old guy throws off the covers, somewhat frustrated, sits up in bed, and gets up. The wife says, "What are you doing?" In an exasperated tone he says, "I'm going to go get my teeth."

today'sThot============================

If it was only a 3-hour cruise (Gilligan's Island), why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

today'sFUNNY===========================

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company calling a woman:

"Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," I replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any debts," I said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"

today'sThot============================

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A church secretary takes a call. The caller says, "Is the head hog at the trough there?"

The secretary says, "Please sir, we prefer 'Pastor' if you don't mind. 'Head hog at the trough'... is just disrespectful."

"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by it. It's just a local phrase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000 to your building fund."

The secretary says, "Uh... Well look at here, I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."

today'sThot============================

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

today'sFUNNY===========================

The following was overheard at a recent "high society" party.

"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.

She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"

"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."

today'sThot============================

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time to set it to?

today'sFUNNY===========================

A little boy in a store had been pawing over a stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"

today'sThot============================

Instead of cleaning the house, I just turn off the lights.

today'sFUNNY===========================

I went to see the doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked.

"I can't understand the writing," I replied. "Was it you?"

today'sThot============================

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

today'sFUNNY===========================

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

today'sThot============================

The bad news is: time flies. The good news is: you're the pilot.

today'sFUNNY===========================

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

today'sThot============================

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

today'sFUNNY===========================

TRUE LOVE

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your car,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

today'sThot============================

I think I'm allergic to Mondays ... and mornings.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive...?"

today'sThot============================

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

today'sThot============================

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

today'sFUNNY===========================

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

today'sThot============================

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door."

today'sThot============================

"Nothing is impossible"? Try slamming a revolving door.

today'sFUNNY===========================

EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A JIGSAW PUZZLE
By Jacquie Sewell (with apologies to Robert Fulghum)

1. Don't force a fit - if something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.

2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.

3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.

4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.

5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4).

6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. Refer to the Creator's guidebook often.

7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.

8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.

9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.

10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.

11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).

12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.

13. When you finally reach the last piece, don't be sad. Rejoice in the masterpiece you've made and enjoy a well-deserved rest.

Copyright 2001 Jacquie Sewell. Permission is granted to send this to others, but not for commercial purposes.

today'sThot============================

Life ain't about how fast you run or how high you climb -- it's about how well you bounce.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A guy goes into a fancy lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a necktie to get in.

The guy doesn't have a necktie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jumper cables. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the lounge. The bouncer looks him up and down and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."

today'sThot============================

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.

today'sFUNNY===========================

YOU'RE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

~ You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field."

~ You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.

~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

today'sThot============================

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was "Always."

today'sFUNNY===========================

A ten-year-old was watching TV with her Grandma.

The newscaster interrupted the program to announce the outcome of a political election.

"More on candidates at 11pm," he said.

The child exclaimed, "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"

today'sThot============================

People are funny. They spend money they don't have to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.

today'sFUNNY===========================

Johnny: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

Teacher: "Why, of course not."

Johnny: "Good, 'cause I didn't do my homework."

today'sThot============================

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

today'sFUNNY============================

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

today'sThot============================

I am at one with my duality.

today'sFUNNY===========================

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburger his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!"

today'sThot============================

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?

today'sFUNNY===========================

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

today'sThot============================

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

today'sFUNNY===========================

"Sally, can you spell 'water' for me?" The teacher asked.

"H I J K L M N 0," answered Sally promptly.

Her teacher look puzzled. "That doesn't spell "water."

"Sure it does," said Sally. "My daddy's a scientist and he says water is H to O."

today'sTHOT============================

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

today'sFUNNY===========================

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted.

Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

today'sTHOT============================

Boldly going nowhere.

today'sFUNNY===========================

PARENTAL EXCUSES

These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling):

~ My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

~ Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

~ Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

~ Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

~ Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

~ Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

~ Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

~ Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

~ Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

~ Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

~ Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

~ I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

~ Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

~ Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

~ Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

today'sTHOT============================

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

today'sFUNNY===========================

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

today'sTHOT============================

A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

today'sFUNNY===========================

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

today'sTHOT============================

Which animal do you never want to play cards with? A cheetah

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

today'sTHOT============================

Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY.

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection...Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.

today'sTHOT============================

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

FAMOUS PUTDOWNS

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.
- Louis Nizer

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
- Groucho Marx

He is a self-made man & worships his creator.
- John Bright

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.
- David Lloyd George

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.
- Moses Hadas

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson

He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

today'sTHOT============================

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

A farmer lived in Minnesota, right on the border with Iowa. One day he saw a team of surveyors working along the road. They measured and argued and measured again. Finally they came up to the farm house.

"Sir, we have some news for you," they said. "It looks like the old map was completely wrong about the border. Your farm is actually in Iowa!"

"That's wonderful!" cried the farmer, "No more of those terrible Minnesota winters!"

today'sTHOT============================

I don't need any tattoos. After all, you don't put bumper stickers on a Ferrari.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

He was surprised by the question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Her father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

today'sTHOT============================

Today I went into a bookstore and asked where the self-help section was. The clerk replied, "If I told you, wouldn't that defeat the purpose?"

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text:

"I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life. She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice."

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, "Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."

today'sTHOT============================

Too many people work up a head of steam before they find out what's cooking.

DO YOU NEED A WASHING?


A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Walmart. She must have been 6-years-old, this beautiful red-haired, freckle-faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Walmart.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in: "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let's run through the rain!" she repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.

Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and, yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

today'sTHOT============================

On your birthday, send a thank you card to your mom.

These are the laws of the natural universe:


~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.

~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

~ Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

~ Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

~ Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five will set up right next to you.

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

~ Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~ Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"

============================

I ordered a Thesaurus online and it just arrived. The pages are all BLANK!!!!! I have no words to express my outrage!!

A friend bumped into his pirate buddy on the street, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the friend, "You couldn't lose an eye just from that!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

============================

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

A husband has to go away on a business trip. Really bad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set of twins (boy & girl).

Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his plane takes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital. She has a rough labor and it takes a long time to recover her communication skills.

But the hospital needs names for the babies before they can release them from the hospital. So it's up to the new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster) to name them.

When the husband finally comes home, he is a bit worried about what his brother named his children. So he carefully asks his wife what are their names.

She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise."

"Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles.

"I know, but he named your son Denephew!"

============================

A friend of mine asked me to go to the front of his car to see if his turn signal was working. I did and yelled out, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."

A mom's teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy a new iPad!"

============================

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes? Come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Accountant: "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

Doctor: "Have you tried counting sheep?"

Accountant: "Yes, and that's the problem! I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"

============================

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Me neither.

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

============================

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."

============================

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

A motorist was about two hours from San Diego when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure am," answered the man, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the motorist. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the man's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the motorist walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the man. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the man. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

============================

If a woman's work is never done, why bother?

Interviewer: "Tell me Miss Cromwell, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"

Miss Cromwell: "The living one."

============================

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now am the proud owner of Aisle 4.

ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
Part 1


~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

~ Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

~ Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

============================

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
Part 2


~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

~ Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

~ You can't unsay a cruel word.

~ Every path has a few puddles.

~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.

~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

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I was gong to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!"

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I've lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I've lost my memory, I can't remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that's gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back," and handed him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

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I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know WHAT you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly."

"Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

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I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a town he planned to visit on his holiday.

He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: Sir, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

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I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause alarm or worry, but shouldn't that be an even number?

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. "You know you're the only one for me!"

9. "Do you come here often?"

8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"

7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"

6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"

5. "Honey, you were made for me!"

4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"

3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21)

2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"


And the number one pick up line from Adam is:

"You're the apple of my eye!" *

* I realize that the Bible says that Adam and Eve ate of the "fruit", not "apple," but gee guys, apple is funnier! ============================

Myrrh: A type of perfume or incense; the second gift of the Magi; a great scrabble word when you are out of vowels.

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, "Dear, he just doesn't seem like the all-American boy you've dated before. He's not really that nice."

"Oh come on, Mom," replied the daughter. "If he wasn't that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

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I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered ... "today," a few ... "yesterday," and some ... "can't remember."

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

~ Who IS this?

~ Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

~ Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

~ I don't understand what you mean?

~ What now? Did you wreck the car again?

~ Am I dreaming?

~ Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

~ What did you do now?

~ If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

~ Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?

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I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A Super Bowl Funny

A buddy of mine has two tickets for Sunday's Super Bowl here in Houston. When he bought them he didn't realize that it's on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She'll be the one wearing a white dress.

A farmer asked the vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all.

After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet. Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"

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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

LETTER FROM COLLEGE...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your $on



REPLY FROM DAD....

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh.

Love, Dad.




Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract? :)

HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

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A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.

If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.

Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.

The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"